What are Boundaries, and How Can They Help?

Boundaries are the limits we set with people and things in our lives. They are an essential part of self-care and are important for creating healthy relationships. You can create your own boundaries to show care for yourself.

What Are Boundaries?

Boundaries are the limits we set with people and things in our lives. They are about what we will and won’t accept. They are a necessary step in healthy relationships and emotional health.

The Different Levels of Boundaries

Whereas unhealthy boundaries tend to be too rigid or porous, healthy ones lie between those extremes.

Rigid Boundaries

Rigid boundaries keep other people out, preventing you from connecting with others. These types of boundaries can isolate you from having healthy relationships. Some rigid boundaries include refusing to talk about your emotions with your partner or never making time for your children or friends.

Porous Boundaries

Porous boundaries are boundaries that crumble easily. They may be because you have difficulty saying “no” to others. You may take on too much responsibility in various life areas, such as relationships, work or other places. Porous boundaries often result in burnout or resentment.

Reasons for Unhealthy Boundaries

Some of the reasons you may struggle with unhealthy boundaries include:

• Desire for control: You may have rigid boundaries to control others, such as refusing to engage with them until they do what you want.
• Fear of rejection: You may be hesitant to be emotionally open with someone if you are afraid they will leave because of your flaws.
• Lack of experience with healthy boundaries: If you grew up with people who set unhealthy boundaries, you may need to learn what a healthy boundary is and how to set one.
• People-pleasing tendencies: If you’re eager to please other people, you might do things or allow them to do things that make you uncomfortable. These tendencies are often due to unmet needs in childhood, such as wanting to be loved and accepted.
• Low self-esteem and low self-worth: You may feel your needs aren’t important, so you prioritize what other people want.

Healthy Boundaries

Boundaries are an important aspect of healthy, balanced relationships. They are essential to maintaining one’s identity, mental health, and physical wellbeing. They can be physical, emotional, material, or time-oriented. Healthy boundaries can be hard or soft.

Hard Boundaries

Hard boundaries are non-negotiables. They are boundaries you are unwilling to compromise on and need to act on immediately. They are things you would never do or never accept as reasonable. An example of a hard boundary is someone who will leave their marriage if their spouse hits them.

Soft Boundaries

Soft boundaries are more aspirational and boundaries that you are willing to compromise on in the right circumstances. You may have a soft boundary that you won’t work weekends but are willing to work weekends when an important project needs to be done.

Purpose of Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries serve to:

• Encourage autonomy
• Set limitations and expectations when interacting with others.
• Bring you a sense of empowerment and self-respect.
• Encourage your physical and emotional comfort.
• Clarify responsibilities in a relationship.

Different Types of Boundaries

Personal boundaries come in many forms. You may have different ones with different people.

Physical

Physical boundaries help keep you comfortable and encourage a sense of safety. They can be about physical touch, needed rest, or intrusions into personal space. They also can be about what people do in your personal space, such as people cleaning up after themselves.

Sexual

Sexual boundaries are about setting limitations and expectations in your sexual relationships. They can be about consent, contraception, and sexual preferences.

Emotional

Emotional boundaries are about setting limitations and expectations that protect your emotional health. They are often around how others talk to or treat you.

Material/Financial

Material/financial boundaries are boundaries regarding your belongings, such as money, car, and home. They may include when you loan money to family members or how people will take care of the stuff they borrow.

Time

Time boundaries are about the limitations or expectations around your time. This may include refusing to answer your phone after a particular time or limiting time at parties when you’re exhausted after a stressful week.

Why Are Boundaries Important?

At the core, boundaries are about whom we give power to. They are about creating guidelines about how we should be treated and what we will tolerate. Boundaries are about placing the guideposts so others know how you want to be treated and how to have a healthy relationship with you. They can also make you aware of who respects you because people who don’t respect your boundaries indicate that they don’t respect you.

Boundaries protect our mental health and wellbeing. Healthy boundaries can prevent us from getting lost in a toxic relationship or from having an unhealthy work-life balance.

It takes courage and strength to set boundaries and continue standing in them.

How to Create and Enforce Your Boundaries

Here are a few tips for creating and enforcing your boundaries.

1. Know What You Want

You can only create sound, healthy boundaries if you know what you want. Reflecting on your needs, values, and beliefs is a good place to start. You also can identify what boundaries others have that you would like to have and what behaviours bother you.

2. Figure Out Your Boundaries

After identifying where you want to go or how you want to be treated, you need to determine the boundaries that will help you achieve your goals.

3. Communicate Your Boundaries

One of the hardest parts of the process of setting boundaries is communicating your boundaries. Here are some tips for communicating your boundaries effectively:

• Timing is important: Find a time when both you and the person you are communicating with are calm and can focus on the conversation. Sometimes, you may need to organize a time to have a conversation.
• Be prepared: Be prepared to accurately state and discuss your boundaries, including questions the other person may have.
• Consider the Delivery: Be calm and firm. Use “I” statements to convey how you feel. Describe their past actions that cross your new boundaries, but don’t make it personal. It’s about their actions, not them as a person.
• Ask for feedback. You want to know if the right message was conveyed and if they understand your new boundary.

4. Enforce Your Boundaries

People will likely violate your boundaries. Some may be accidental, while others may be intentional. When this happens, restate your boundary and have clear and reasonable consequences for crossing a boundary you are willing to enforce.

Shifting Your Boundaries

As your circumstances change, your boundaries may shift. When this happens, communication is vital so the other person is clear on the change and its reason. For example, boundaries often change when someone becomes a parent because they have their child’s needs to care for.

Responding to Other’s Boundaries

You are not the only one who can set boundaries, so it is crucial to respond respectfully to other’s boundaries. Respect that the person setting the boundary knows what is best for them. However, if something truly doesn’t work for you, communicate your needs so you can work together to reach a compromise. If you have crossed someone else’s boundary, apologize for your mistake. By sharing respect for each other’s boundaries, you can improve your relationship with them.

Enabling Behaviour

Boundaries are also important when people you love are struggling with addictions, legal issues, and some mental struggles. It’s important to not protect them from the consequences of their actions, which is called enabling. The result of enabling is that they rely on you instead of addressing the issue on their own. This can have long-term negative consequences for both people involved.

Conclusion

Boundaries are an essential part of self-care and are necessary to create healthy relationships. You can create your own boundaries to show care for yourself.