How Abusive Parents Use “Honour Your Parents” Against You

I have strived to write this blog post from a biblical perspective as part of a series on Spiritual Abuse supporting my Christian Therapy practice.

Unfortunately, people with abusive parents often face additional spiritual abuse by being told to “honour and obey your parents” in specific ways. It can shame people into staying in toxic relationships that instill further harm and distress. There are ways to break free from the spiritual abuse of “Honour your parents” by abusive parents and grow closer to God.

How “Honour Your Parents” is Used in Spiritual Abuse By Abusive Parents

Spiritual abuse is a form of emotional and psychological abuse. It is when people use one’s religious or spiritual beliefs to coerce, manipulate, or control them. Unfortunately, the commandment to “Honour your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12) is too often used to shame, manipulate, or prevent people who have abusive parents. Similar to how “Obey your parents” (Ephesians 6:1) is used out of context by abusive parents. Abusers may also decide what it means and tell you that you have to obey them no matter what they have done because they are your parents. It is in this way that they manipulate the scripture to shame and manipulate you.

Some spiritual leaders may pressure you to fit their version of honouring your parents because they don’t understand what it’s like to have abusive parents and may make assumptions based on their loving parents. They don’t realize how damaging it is and how trying to obey abusive parents can damage your relationship and view of God. Some people are naïve about what some parents are like. What it means to honour God-loving parents and abusive parents can be pretty different.

Some other spiritual leaders may use honouring and obeying your parents against you to push their beliefs of a patriarchal worldview. It may not be a concern of theirs that your parents are damaging you because they are focused on their belief that a father knows best.

What is the Context of Honour Your Parents in the Bible

What is the Biblical Definition of Honour?

In the Bible, honour is based on respect, esteem, and regard. It comes from a place of integrity, righteousness, and respect that reflects one’s reverence for God. Honour should encompass one’s actions, words, and thoughts.

Honouring Your Parents is a Broad Instruction, Not Specific to Abusive Parents

The Bible’s instructions about honouring our parents were not written as a response to an abusive situation. They guide us in a God-honoring direction. This is not a place in the Bible where we are given instructions for a specific situation but rather a broad principle. The Bible was written for us, but not specifically for those with abusive parents.

Honouring your parents can be different depending on the context of what your parents are like. How a person honours loving parents striving to be Christ-like is going to be different than how a person honours abusive parents. Abuse doesn’t absolve you from honouring your parents; it just changes how you do it.

Building Healthy God-Centered Families

Parents are meant to create a healthy, God-centered culture in their family. This is an important task that takes love, energy, and time. No parent is perfect, and most are doing their best. In God’s economy, this effort is such a good thing that it deserves great honour, especially from the children who are supposed to benefit from it most. It is often easy for children to take what their parents do for granted.

Picture of a Christ-Like Family

The whole version of Ephesians 6:1 is, “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Ephesians 5:21-6:4 are instructions about how a Christian family should operate. How we are subject to one another in Christ, how a wife should submit to her husband, how husbands should love their wives as Christ loved the church, how a husband should love his wife and children, how children should obey their parents and that fathers should not provoke their children but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of God. This passage is all about how a loving family should be in the act of following Christ. Unfortunately, this is not the situation with people with abusive parents.

Godly Parents

All Christians are called to imitate God (Ephesians 5:1) and his parental example as our heavenly Father. All parents are called to care for their children’s basic physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Their child is not their property but a separate entity. Parents are entrusted with the child’s care and are obligated to provide healthy nurturing that helps the child develop into a healthy adult.

When we look at our Father in Heaven as an example of how a parent is supposed to be, we see that parents are supposed to:

• Accept their children (Romans 8:14-16)
• Be a good example (1 Peter 1: 14-16)
• Love their children unconditionally (1 John 3:1)
• Discipline their children with the gentleness of a shepherd using his rod to guide them back to the flock (Proverbs 13:24)
• Provide for their children, including their physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. (1 Timothy 5:8; Philippians 4:10-19)
• Nurture strong connections with your children through validation, compassion, and other ways of connecting (Psalms 103:13)

Biblical Limits on Honouring and Obeying Your Parents

Your first priority is to follow and obey God. When your parents are not behaving in Christ-like ways, keeping your eyes focused on Him is much more important. If you have to choose between obeying God and your parents, you should always obey God (Ezekiel 20; Acts 5:29). Sometimes, the paths God puts us on require walking away from our parents and following the path He planned for us.

One example the Bible provides of a child confronting and disobeying their parents is between Jonathan and King Saul in 1 Samuel. When King Saul was trying to kill David, Jonathon protected David, helped him hide, and acted as a go-between for him and Saul to make peace. Jonathan defied his father at a significant personal cost to himself because he believed that he was being unjust. When the decision came between doing what was right and obeying his abusive father, he did what was right. Jonathon is considered a Biblical hero because he stood up for what was right and stood up to his father.

How Abusive Parents Do Not Follow the Bible’s Instructions on Parenting

The Bible instructs fathers not to exasperate their children (Colossians 3:21) and not to provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4). Parents are supposed to discipline their children as God deals with us (Hebrews 12:7). These instructions show how families are meant to live in peace and harmony, which is not possible when the parents are abusive.

Not Written for Abusers

The same instructions for Godly families cannot apply to abusive families. Abusive families are not operating in Godly ways. These instructions are meant to enhance our love and peace in Christ. Still, they can be used and manipulated by ungodly people for their self-interest. The same actions that bring you closer to Godly people are manipulated and used against you by people with narcissistic traits.

The Bible wasn’t written for abusers to use to victimize His children; it wasn’t written for bad people to twist to suit their purposes, and it’s up to the children of God not to allow this.

What Does the Spiritual Abuse of Honour Your Parents Say Against the Big Picture of the Gospel

Jesus stood up against abuse and gave instructions on how to treat people and what it means to represent Him well. He stood up to the Pharisees when they were engaging in spiritual abuse. His heart is for the broken and desires our human relationships to represent His love as we serve others.

When Jesus said, “My yoke is easy, and My burden is light” (Matthew 11:30 NASB), it indicates that He does not intend for us to be heavily burdened by things like staying in abusive situations where the burden is very heavy. When Jesus said, “I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28), it doesn’t match up with the heaviness of abuse that never gives you rest. If Jesus loved us so much that He died for us, and we are free through His sacrifice, how does that match up with being forced to stay under the chains of abuse and people who are not following His instructions?

So How Can We Honour Abusive and Neglectful Parents?

Honouring abusive and neglectful parents is different than honouring loving parents who are trying to be Christ-like. There are a few ways that you can honour abusive and neglectful parents.

Honour Your Parents from a Distance

If caring for your parents or staying in connection with them puts you in harm’s way physically, emotionally or spiritually, you should honour them from a distance. Sometimes, distance is the best way to love and honour your abusive parents. This is especially true when you have parents who refuse to respect your boundaries and continue to mistreat you.

If your parents refuse your help, you can honour them by respecting their wishes. It means you accept that they are the way they are and honour their choice to remain the way they are. You do not honour them by enabling them to continue in their destructive behaviours, whether they are abusing you or engaging in behaviours like substance abuse. It is better to honour them from a distance and open the door when they are willing to accept help and turn from their destructive behaviour.

Speak the Truth in an Honouring Way

Honouring your parents by speaking the truth about them without slandering them is important. Speak the truth without anger and resentment, with accuracy and compassion. If past trauma has influenced their behaviour, speak of them with an understanding of the influences of their behaviour.

Willingness to Forgive

The willingness to forgive is another way you can honour your parents. This can be very difficult and feel almost impossible for those who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. Yet, God does not want us to have bitterness weighing down our souls. Ask Him to help you in the process of forgiveness. He is a loving Father who desires to help you release your burdens, including bitterness, wounds, and unforgiveness.

Forgiveness is healing emotional wounds and releasing resentment and anger against another. Jesus understood that it was not an easy process because He told Peter it would take forgiving his brother when he sins against him up to “seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22).

Forgiveness does not mean you have to let your parents back into your life, that you have to trust them if they have not shown that they are trustworthy, or that the past has changed. It is about releasing your emotional burden and moving closer to God’s love and grace.

Honouring Your Parents with Boundaries

Honouring your parents does not mean you have to let them get away with anything they want without consequences. Boundaries are essential in any relationship, but they are especially important with abusive people. Boundaries are about creating guidelines to protect your well-being and enhance relationships by communicating what you will and won’t tolerate. Suppose your parents refuse to respect your boundaries. In that case, you may need a period where you have “no contact” or limited contact, such as only communicating by email.

Honour Them By Living Your Full Potential in God

You can honour your parents by becoming the very best person you can be. By living your life within God’s purpose, you are honouring your parents and the life they gave you.

Honour Them by Praying for Them

You can honour your parents by praying for them and surrendering them to God. Ask God to bring them healing. When we surrender our abusive parents to God with compassion and grace, we honour them.

What Does Honouring Your Parents Mean for You

Honouring your parents depends on your specific situation. Boundaries and distance may depend on what you can do while treating them respectfully. For example, if your parents trigger you, you may need to honour them from a distance.

What Are the Spiritual Consequences of the Spiritual Abuse of Honour Your Parents?

Some of the consequences of spiritual abuse around honouring your parents include:

• You may experience a loss of meaning, including of faith.
• You may experience a crisis in your faith and identity.
• Your trust in God may be affected.

What are the Emotional and Mental Health Consequences of the Spiritual Abuse of Honour Your Parents by Abusive Parents?

Emotional Neglect

When a child is brought up without love and approval, it can cripple them inside. This emotional neglect leaves them without the emotional foundation they rely on for emotional well-being. A few of the many consequences may include:

• Shame, guilt, and low self-esteem
• Feelings of emptiness or worthlessness
• Feeling disconnected from communities, people, or oneself (through dissociation)

Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse can cause a child’s spirit to be broken at a young age. This can cause them to withdraw within themselves and be unable to relate normally to other adults. A few of the many consequences include:

• Contributing to the development of mental health conditions like depression, anxiety, PTSD, and complex PTSD
• Social and emotional isolation
• Self-blame, self-doubt, and burnout from people-pleasing

Physical And Sexual Abuse

Physical and sexual abuse can leave scars for a lifetime if not properly treated. They usually don’t come alone but are often accompanied by emotional abuse and neglect. A few of the many consequences include:

• Loss of trust in others and views the world as dangerous
• Hypervigilance
• Avoidance of people, situations, and objects that remind you of the abuse/trauma

How Can the Spiritual Abuse of Honour Your Parents Be Healed Through Your Christian Faith?

A lot of damage has been done by insisting that abused children obey their parents, ignore their pain, and give false praise to their abusive parents. Abuse is sinful (Deuteronomy 6:6-7, Ephesians 6:4) and should not be tolerated. The continued harm needs to be stopped, and healing needs to come to the wounds of your trust in others, your faith in the world, your belief in yourself, and your faith in God.

Forgiveness of the Abuse, Not Excusing It.

As we are meant to forgive each other (Ephesians 4:32), we need to get to a place where we can forgive. This may mean separating yourself from the abuse. You may need to find a certain level of healing and safety to be ready to start the process. If you are not there, ask God for help. Also, know that you may need help in the healing process. Forgiveness can be a long process, so be patient and create boundaries to protect yourself during this sensitive time.

Forgiveness is about releasing the emotional chains and burdens of resentment, pain, and anger. It doesn’t mean you:

• Forget the lessons you learned from dealing with the person who abused you
• Let them back into your life to harm you again if they have not changed.
• Can reconcile your relationship with them unless both people are willing to heal and compromise.
• Absolve the other person of responsibility for their actions (if they committed a crime, the legal process should be respected).

Healing from a Distance So You Can Focus on You

Creating distance from your abusers is vital because being triggered by your abuser can slow the healing process. When a person has past trauma, that trauma can be triggered by similar emotions and situations which you are likely to experience if you are consistently in contact with your abuser. Dealing with being triggered may take hours to weeks to deal with all the triggered thoughts, emotions, and body sensations.

Comfort in Our Redemption in Christ

Your relationship with God can comfort you. He provides the grace and strength to heal your emotional wounds. His love can help to fill the empty wounds inside you and heal the broken pieces.

Breaking Generational Patterns

Unfortunately, trauma is often passed down from parents to their children in the form of abuse and other harmful patterns, such as emotional neglect. Too frequently, children learn maladaptive coping and interpersonal patterns from their parents. The best way to heal is to learn better ways of interacting with others and coping with your challenges.

Surrender Our Parents to God and Accept Him as Our Good Father

When you have abusive parents who won’t listen to you or change how they are harming you, sometimes the best thing you can do is surrender them to God and trust that He will do His will in the situation. He is a good Father to You (2 Corinthians 6:18) and cares for you. He will take you in (Psalm 27:10) and be near you (Psalm 34:18).

Accepting God’s Love and Grace

The love and grace of God can help your healing. His love is unconditional, merciful, and self-giving, and His grace can provide healing. God calls you to healing and genuine love. You do not need to feel guilty for separating yourself from abusive or neglectful parents. He has His arms open for you, loving you with endless love, wanting you to find comfort and safety in His arms.

Prayer can be important to the healing process. It can be a place where you pour out your hurt and pain. You can ask for God’s strength, grace, and guidance. He is compassionate and has a plan for you.

In Him, you have a heavenly Father who desires good for you and will never harm you (Jeremiah 29:11). He will use your experiences for good (Romans 8:28) and be a father for you (Psalm 68:5).

Trusting Him may feel disconnected or impossible for those who have never known what it is like to love and trust. Ask for His help to learn to love and trust Him. Jesus will hear and answer when we pour out our problems to Him (1 John 5:14-15). God can heal the wounds of an abusive and neglectful childhood and give you a new heart and spirit (Ezekiel 36:26).

What Trauma-Focused Modalities Can Help You Heal from the Spiritual Abuse of “Honour Your Parents” by Abusive Parents?

Healing the trauma associated with your abusive or neglectful parents can help you get to a better place. There are a few trauma-focused modalities that are ideal for healing spiritual abuse.

EMDR

Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR) can be very effective for treating trauma and abuse. It can help integrate the fragments of traumatic and distressing memories with adaptive memory networks. Through this process, core beliefs can be adjusted during EMDR to something more adaptive, often from something limiting to something more positive. There are multiple ways that you can bring your Christian Faith into EMDR therapy.

Flash Technique

The Flash technique enables complex PTSD clients to engage with the Standard (EMDR) Protocol and other techniques sooner than they would have with traditional stabilization techniques, which focus exclusively on resourcing. Flash can also be used as a standalone treatment or combined with other methods.

The Flash Technique needs a positive-engaging focus (PEF) to desensitize and process traumatic memories. This PEF can be anything that is not connected to your trauma and is distracting enough to pull your attention away from the memory you are trying to process. We can incorporate different Christian activities such as singing along with your favourite hymn or worship song, describing important faith moments or scriptures, and what your faith means to you. Flash is well-suited for people with severe PTSD and dissociation.

Strength and Skills Building

Often, when children have abusive parents, the harm done is not the extent of the damage. Frequently, these children come out of their developmental years without some of the skills and beliefs in themselves that we take for granted. Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, Mindfulness, Emotional Awareness and Expression Therapy, and other techniques and tools can be learned to help you get more out of your life.

Conclusion

When abusive parents use spiritual abuse to manipulate their children, it can do a lot of damage. You can honour your parents in ways that are not harmful to your physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. There are trauma-focused ways to bring you further healing.