What is Self-Compassion

Self-compassion can be a powerful tool that can help you cope with trauma, chronic pain and other conditions. Although it can be helpful, it can be a struggle for some people, like those with childhood emotional neglect and other types of trauma. Self-compassion is compassion pointed inward instead of at someone else. Self-compassion practices can be pretty simple mindfulness practices that bring support and comfort to yourself.

What is Self-Compassion?

Compassion comes from Latin and is about being with suffering. When you feel compassion for someone else, you are with them and their suffering. Compassion involves mindfulness, common humanity and kindness. It can be given to ourselves or others.

Self-compassion is giving yourself the compassion you would give to a struggling friend or family member. It’s giving yourself support, care, and comfort when you’re struggling with a life challenge, feeling inadequate, or dealing with a mistake you made.

Self-compassion is the opposite of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for whatever you feel you did wrong or for how you are inadequate. It brings kindness and understanding to your suffering, mistakes, and shortcomings.

Self-compassion is often accompanied by action. The actions are taken because you care about yourself rather than because you are worthless or unacceptable. Self-compassion involves accepting and honouring your humanness. Encountering frustrations, losses, mistakes, and limitations is part of the human condition—a reality we all share. When you are open to this reality, instead of fighting it, you can connect with compassion to a greater degree.

What Are the Main Aspects of Compassion?

There are three main understandings required for compassion: understanding that the person suffers, understanding that the person wants to be happy, and understanding that we share a common humanity.

We Understand that the Person Suffers

Compassion requires the understanding that the person is suffering. This suffering may be shame, guilt, sadness, pain, or something else. Although suffering is part of being human, it still hurts, and we know from our own experience that it isn’t pleasant.

We Understand the Person Wants to be Happy is Attempting to Create Happiness for Themselves and Others

Compassion requires the understanding that the person wants to be happy and is trying their best to achieve that. They may lack the resources, knowledge or skills to achieve what they are trying for; nonetheless, they are trying their best to achieve it. No one wants to be in pain and suffering.

We Understand that We Are Not Fundamentally Separate from Each Other

Compassion requires the understanding that we humans are intertwined and that we all experience the human experience. All human beings suffer, and each one of us has our own challenges and unique suffering because of that. Often, our suffering and struggles affect others.

What Are the Main Aspects of Self-Compassion

Self-compassion is similar to compassion, except it is targeted at yourself rather than others.

I Know I’m Suffering

This is an acknowledgement of your present reality and how it is affecting you. It keeps you in the here and now and what you are experiencing in this moment. It is an act of acceptance, validation, and acknowledgment that this is your current reality at this point in time. You may not like it, and you may be really hurting, but you’re acknowledging that it is what it is.

I Know I’m Trying to Create Happiness

This is an acknowledgement that you are trying your best to be happy and figure out how to overcome your current challenges. You may be searching for answers or just struggling to cope with all life has thrown at you.

I’m Not Alone in This

This is an acknowledgement that suffering can be part of the human condition and you are not alone in your suffering. You have people who care about you. There are people who care that you’re suffering. People who have been through similar things.

Why Self-Compassion is Important

Self-compassion can be part of self-care and caring for your emotional health.

When we are mindful of our pain, struggles, and suffering, we are able to respond to ourselves with compassion, support, and kindness. This enables things to change. Self-compassion can help us learn to embrace ourselves and our lives, including our mistakes and weaknesses. It can provide us with the strength needed to thrive.

What are Some of the Benefits of Self-Compassion Practices?

Self-Soothing

Self-compassion can calm and soothe your nervous system, reducing anxiety and stress. It can also trigger the release of oxytocin, which increases feelings of trust, safety, and calm.

Better Self-Esteem

Self-compassion lessens the habit of relying on others to improve self-esteem. It helps to take a step back and see your mistakes as external rather than a reflection of who you are.

Higher Life Satisfaction

Self-compassion can bring higher life satisfaction because mistakes are less overwhelming, and less time is spent being self-critical. When mistakes and setbacks are seen as areas of growth and learning opportunities rather than negative reflections of your character, you will feel better about your life overall.

More Fulfilling Relationships

Self-compassion often leads to more fulfilling relationships because being kinder and more patient with ourselves promotes the same qualities toward other people.

Fewer Symptoms of Anxiety and Depression

Self-compassion can reduce constant self-criticism and harmful self-talk, which in turn can reduce the number of anxiety and depression symptoms.

Increased Motivation to Take Risks

Self-compassion can increase motivation to take risks because, with self-compassion, you are less afraid of the possibility of setbacks and letdowns.

Promotes a Growth Mindset

Self-compassion can promote a growth mindset because you have the grace and compassion for yourself when you try something and don’t succeed. Being able to handle failure or being wrong can open you up to more significant learning and growth because you take more chances than someone afraid of being wrong or making mistakes.

Deactivates the Threat-Defense System

Self-compassion can deactivate the body’s threat-defense system (also referred to as our reptilian brain), which can be triggered by perceived danger and threat, including self-criticism. Feeling threatened can stress the mind and body and chronically impair mental and physical health. Self-compassion can release oxytocin and endorphins that help reduce stress and increase feelings of safety and security.

Protection and Motivation

Self-compassion enables us to better act in the world by protecting, providing, and motivating ourselves. It lets us say “no” to those who hurt or harmed us. Self-compassion says we deserve to have our needs met. It motivates us like a good catch that uses kindness, support, and understanding.

Acceptance and Validation

Self-compassion involves acceptance and validation. When we accept our reality as it is, we can be compassionate with ourselves about what we are facing and how it is affecting us. The acceptance part of self-compassion can reduce the pain and suffering caused by denial and resistance.

Practicing Imperfection

Self-compassion works best when there isn’t an ulterior motive, like making the pain go away or becoming a better person. When we focus our self-compassion practices on how we’re all imperfect human beings, living imperfect lives, and being there for ourselves, we allow ourselves to be curious about our needs in the moment and the struggles we’re facing.

Other

Self-compassion can be both a practice and an attitude of accepting ourselves as we are despite the past and recognizing our unconditional values and worth.

Other advantages that come from practicing self-compassion include:

• An increase in overall wellbeing
• A boost in feelings of self-worth and resilience
• Higher emotional intelligence
• More social connections
• Improved body image

Self-compassion is also associated with:

• Happiness
• Optimism
• Positive affect
• Wisdom
• Personal initiative
• Curiosity and exploration
• Agreeableness
• Conscientiousness
• Extroversion

Struggles are part of the human condition. They can be big or small, internal or external. Self-compassion allows us to face these struggles as if we are on our own team and part of the larger team. We can sense our inherent value and worth, while seeking change. We can learn to stop listening to our inner critics and establish a more healthy and authentic sense of self.

When you use more self-compassion, you are more likely to engage in perspective-taking rather than focusing on your own distress. Rumination usually decreases, and mental health improves.

Self-Compassion is Not

Self-compassion is not self-indulgence, self-pity, passive, selfish, or self-esteem.

Self-Indulgence

Self-indulgence involves giving oneself short-term pleasure at the expense of long-term harm. When we care about ourselves, we’re willing to undergo discomfort for our wellbeing. Research shows that self-compassionate people are more likely to exercise, eat well, get regular medical checkups, and generally engage in health-promoting behaviour.

Self-Pity

Self-pity involves “why me?” thinking and is self-focused. At the same time, self-compassion frames the experience of imperfection in light of the shared human experience. Research shows that self-compassion reduces self-focus, increases perspective-taking, and helps us feel connected to others when we struggle.

While self-pity says “poor me,” self-compassion recognizes that life is hard for everyone.

Passivity

When we’re self-compassionate after doing something that we regret, we feel safe acknowledging what we’ve done. Research shows that people who are self-compassionate about their past mistakes are more likely to take personal responsibility for their misdeeds and try to repair the situation.

Egotism/Selfish

When people engage in self-compassion, they tend to have more resources to be there for others. Caregivers who engage in self-compassion also experience less burnout and are less drained. You are not being selfish by engaging in self-compassion.

Self-Esteem

Self-esteem requires feeling special and above average, while self-compassion is about recognizing that we are imperfectly human and have values in our own uniqueness. Self-compassion is less dependent on comparisons to others and less contingent on appearance, social approval, and performance. It also provides a more stable sense of self-worth over time.

Why Do Some People Struggle with Self-Compassion?

Self-compassion can be challenging for those who have experienced trauma or emotional neglect. Beginning a journey of self-compassion can really challenge you. Your beliefs about yourself and some challenging emotions can come up. It can feel that you don’t have the right to self-compassion or may not be worthy of self-compassion. Recognizing your own value and worth may be needed to engage in self-compassion comfortably. If you struggle to achieve this, it would help to work with a therapist experienced with emotional neglect.

What Are Some Simple Self-Compassion Practices?

Supportive Touch

This exercise is based on one by Kristin Neff, which can be found on her website, among other self-compassion exercises.

Supportive touch is an easy way to care for and comfort yourself when you’re suffering. Gentle and soothing touch activates the care and parasympathetic nervous systems to help us calm down and feel safe. It releases oxytocin, provides a sense of security, soothes distressing emotions, and calms cardiovascular stress.

1. Pick a type of supportive touch:
   1. One or both hands on your heart.
   1. One hand on your cheek
   1. Cradling your face in your hands
   1. Gently stroking your arms
   1. Crossing your arms and giving a gentle squeeze
   1. Gently rubbing your chest or using circular movements
   1. Hand on your abdomen
   1. One hand on your abdomen and one over your heart.
   1. Cupping one hand in the other on your lap
   1. Give yourself a gentle hug.
2. Engage in the type of supportive touch you have chosen while taking deep, satisfying breaths.
3. Feeling the pressure, movement, and warmth of your hand. Notice how you feel and what sensations come up. Linger with the sensations and feelings for as long as you like.

RAIN

The RAIN meditation comes from Tara Brach’s book Radical Compassion. There are four steps to RAIN:

1. Recognize—Recognize is about taking a moment to become aware of what is happening right now. This may include sensations, emotions, and thoughts. Take a moment and notice whatever is predominant.
2. Allow Life to be Just As It Is—See if you can find the willingness to pause and accept what is happening at this moment. This doesn’t mean you have to like it, but you must be willing to accept reality as it is.
3. Investigate with a Gentle, Curious Attention – Bring a kind and curious attention to your experience. This is about listening and absorbing the experience. It is diving into the wisdom of your body with somatic awareness. Some questions you may ask include:
   1. What most wants my attention? What is the worst part?
   1. What are the most difficult or painful things I am believing?
   1. What emotions does this bring up?
   1. Where can I feel it in my body?
   1. Are these feelings similar to something I’ve experienced earlier in my life?
   1. If the hurting part of me could communicate, what would it express (words, feelings, images)?
   1. What does this part need?
4. Nurture with Loving Presence—As you sense what is needed, bring the wisest and most compassionate part of you and offer yourself a loving message or send a tender embrace inward. Allow yourself to feel nurtured. Take the time you need, do what you need to do to offer care inwardly, and let it be received.

Write a Letter to Yourself

Using your own compassionate voice, write a letter to yourself to comfort, encourage, or motivate yourself. This can come from an imaginary friend or a wiser part of you. After writing the letter, read it whenever you need a little encouragement.

Conclusion

Self-compassion practices can be an essential part of your healing journey. They also can be reasonably simple and easy to incorporate into your day. Self-compassion takes practice to reap the many benefits, so don’t give up if it doesn’t work right away.