What is Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Abuse is a very damaging type of abuse that stems from narcissistic behaviours. It can lead to significant harm and long-term emotional and psychological damage. There are tools you can use to minimize the damage and heal from narcissistic abuse.

What is Narcissistic Abuse?

Narcissistic abuse is a form of abuse stemming from narcissistic behaviours. It can involve various forms of abuse, including emotional, physical, psychological, financial, and sexual. It often involves gaslighting, constant criticism, humiliation, and other forms of manipulation. Narcissistic abuse can cause significant harm and can lead to long-term emotional and psychological damage.

An abuser doesn’t need to meet the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to engage in narcissistic abuse. They may demonstrate narcissistic characteristics but not meet the criteria for NPD. On the other side, just because someone has NPD doesn’t mean they will engage in narcissistic abuse. There are various reasons why an abuser may act this way, including a perceived challenge to their authority or fear of abandonment.

How Can I Identify a Narcissist?

Some of the narcissistic behaviours and characteristics you may observe include:

• Entitlement
• Lack of empathy or unnatural empathy
• Jealousy or envy
• Attention seeking or requiring admiration
• Arrogance
• Grandiosity
• Believing they are superior or special
• Charisma
• Preoccupation with fantasies of love, beauty, power, success, brilliance
• Feelings of specialness and desire and need to be around other special people
• Exploitative of others
• Self-righteous

Be aware that there are different types of narcissists, and not all show grandiose tendencies. Some have more subtle forms of entitlement, feelings of specialness, and lack of empathy.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

There are four main stages of the narcissistic abuse cycle: idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering (re-engagement). A relationship may repeat the idealization and devaluation stages multiple times. Idealization and devaluation may also come back after a hoovering stage. Any of these stages can be repeated multiple times.

Idealization Stage

The idealization stage (also known as the appreciation or honeymoon stage) is usually characterized by love bombing. This form of emotional manipulation draws you in by creating a sense of instant connection, making you feel special and wonderful. You may be lavished with attention, charm, gifts, compliments, and performative devotion. You feel seen, heard, and treasured.

The narcissist may put you on a pedestal that allows you to feel perfect, which starts by feeling nice but eventually becomes overpowering and overwhelming to the partner. This can be a fast-moving relationship that has a fervent quality to it.

Unfortunately, this idealization stage is a deceitful web that captures the narcissist’s prey. The narcissist paints a beautiful picture of a secure and ideal relationship. The narcissist sees you as an object that they want to acquire or an idealized self-image. The perpetrator engages with the victim as the delightful Dr. Jekyll persona they use to mask the Mr. Hyde hidden underneath.

Common Tactics in the Idealization Stage

• Fast-moving relationship. The narcissist will try to move the relationship into intimacy and/or marriage quickly.
• Ownership. The narcissist may try to take control of the partner and the relationship by taking over their time and life and isolating them from close friends and family. This may be done “in the name of love.” Boundaries are not respected.
• Grandiose relationship claims. The narcissist may claim that you are their soulmate, you are who they’ve been waiting for, or they’ve never met someone like you before.
• Counterfeit concern. The narcissist may deceptively show care or empathy for you to gain trust, control or further their agenda. Still, this care is not honest or authentic. It’s a falsehood to win you over.
• Data Mining. Narcissists often express an unusual level of interest and curiosity in their victim’s preferences, dreams, and goals. This allows them to gather information about your wants, needs, strengths, weaknesses, and characteristics to shape their strategy to win you over and later use it against you.
• False Self. The narcissist often constructs a false self or alter ego to reflect the victim’s ideal partner. It is based on the information gathered from data mining and mirroring. It is also done to hide the narcissist’s authentic self and predatory nature.
• Future faking. The narcissist presents an idealized future based on false premises or commitments to gain a victim’s trust and investment. The narcissist has no genuine intention of following through with the future they are envisioning for their victim.
• Love bombing. The narcissist places the victim on a pedestal and manipulates them into believing they are soulmates with intense and relentless attention. The victim’s wants and needs are recognized and attended to in a way that isolates them from others. It is a method to gain the victim’s trust, lower defences, and create an intense bond.
• Mirroring. The narcissist will imitate the victim’s words, actions, body language, and behaviours. This leaves the victim prone to feel strongly identified and unified with the abuser. However, the narcissist is only reflecting back the victim’s winning qualities; they are not actually there.
• Pathological lying. Narcissists are prone to compulsive deceptions that are self-serving. They will lie to manipulate others and distract from others’ suspicions.

Ultimately, the idealization stage is the proverbial Trojan horse narcissists use to traverse the victim’s defences and infiltrate their inner world. It’s a process of pulling you in and binding you to them, so it is difficult to leave once their behaviour changes.

Devaluation Stage

The devaluation stage, also known as the depreciation stage, often starts subtly and slowly. The narcissist will begin by dropping subtle hints that you’ve done something wrong or hurt their feelings. This may also only happen privately, where they seem like a supportive partner in public but are critical and demeaning behind closed doors.

As the devaluation stage progresses, tactics like gaslighting, criticisms, and other tactics increase to manipulate and undermine the victim. The abuser may also engage in narcissistic projection, which is avoiding accepting responsibility for their own behaviour by projecting it onto someone else. You may be told that they thought you were different and must have tricked them or that you aren’t good enough and aren’t worth the trouble. When confronted, the narcissist plays the role of the victim (known as narcissistic injury) and continues to devalue their partner.

This is the phase when intermittent reinforcement is used to condition the victim to accept abuse and foster trauma bonds. The abuser oscillates between the Dr. Jekyll of the idealization stage and the callous Mr Hyde, who gaslights, criticizes, and puts you down. You don’t know which one it will be and end up walking on eggshells, scared of triggering your abuser. You may be manipulated into cutting off the people who care most about you and endure personal attacks and grandiose apologies.

Eventually, you may start to question your memory and your sanity. You may find yourself starting to wonder why the narcissist puts up with you. You may question your own memories and judgment and strive to be better so the narcissist doesn’t abandon you.

While the idealization stage is about building some one up, the devaluation stage is about starting to break someone down. It’s the removal of the victim from the pedestal and the use of emotional abuse, physical abuse, and physical intimacy as weapons. This stage can throw the victim into an abyss of emotional turmoil, confusion, crumbling self-esteem and self-confidence, and a loss of identity.

Common Tactics of the Devaluation Stage

• Blame-shifting. When confronted about their behaviour, the abuser redirects blame onto others or external factors to evade accountability. They may also gaslight the victim, saying it didn’t happen the way the victim saw it.
• Constant criticism. The victim is continually given a stream of negative feedback, disparaging remarks and judgmental comments that erode the victim’s self-esteem, creating a profound sense of worthlessness and emotional distress. Additionally, the abuser extends their criticism toward the victim’s family and friends, leaving the victim burdened with a deep sense of shame.
• Emotional Neglect. The narcissist stops giving the victim emotional validation, attention and care, which causes them to feel unheard, disconnected and taken for granted.
• Exploitation. The abuser takes advantage of the victim by using their trust to make use of their access, resources and/or labour for their own benefit. It’s done without consideration for the victim and the victim’s well-being. This exploitation can be emotional, intellectual, economic (financial), social or sexual.
• Gaslighting. The narcissist uses gaslighting to manipulate and control the victim by undermining their perception of reality and making them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
• Intermittent Reinforcement. The narcissist blows hot and cold. They occasionally engage in their idealization stage behaviours, followed by becoming completely indifferent or abusive. When the victim tries to win back the affection of the narcissist, they become more callous.
• Isolation. The narcissist will often manipulate the victim to cut off relationships with family and friends so they can control their access to information and influence their worldview. Unfortunately, when the abuser’s aggression escalates, the victim has no one to turn to.
• Silent Treatment. The abuser exerts control or power over the victim by deliberately ignoring or refusing to acknowledge them.
• Triangulation. The abuser uses a third party to undermine the victim’s confidence. This may be done by pitting the victim against others, and it is used to prove to the victim that other people think similarly to the abuser.
• Volatile behaviour: An abuser may exhibit irrational, unpredictable, and volatile behaviour, which may keep the victim feeling like they are walking on eggshells. This behaviour can be aggessive and abusive in psychological, physical, and/or emotional ways.
• Emotional blackmail: An abuser may threaten to harm themselves or take drastic actions if the other person does not behave how they want or considers leaving them. This can include warnings and ultimatums.
• Grandiose apologies: These are insincere apologies used to manipulate or control. Sorry may just be a reset word for them. They won’t change their behaviour or feel remorse.

Discard Stage

The discard stage is when the narcissist decides that they are done with you and you have no further use for them. At this point, you are dealing solely with Mr. Hyde, who rejects the object on which he has projected all of his flaws.

Often, the discard stage can be a phase of indifference and neglect. They keep you in the wings while looking for the next victim. The soul mate is gone, and in their place is a stranger who treats the victim like a worthless inconvenience. The abuser may display a complete lack of empathy or remorse. They just don’t have a use for you anymore and don’t care how it affects you. At this point, you may discover the abuser carefully planned the discard a long time ago.

The rejection can also be swift and brutal. It may include the narcissist kicking you out of the home you’ve known with next to nothing. It may consist of verbal abuse, cold accusations, and other forms of emotional abuse designed to break you. In their mind, you are a devalued, negative object that must be ejected from their grandiose presence. Usually, the partner will decide that all the blame and downfall of the relationship was your fault.

The narcissist may also engage in a smear campaign to destroy the victim’s credibility to try to make it impossible to be believed if the victim should disclose the experience with the narcissist.

After discarding you, they will move on to their next victim or attempt to re-engage their partner in a stage called hoovering.

Some of the Common Tactics of the Discard Stage

• Placing the blame on their partner
• Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse
• DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender). This is a manipulation tactic used to invalidate the victim’s disclosures. The abuser denies the allegations, attacks the credibility of the victim, and reverses the roles, portraying themselves as the victim instead.
• Betrayal. The victim’s trust will be repeatedly violated, and promises and commitments will be broken. The betrayal can take the form of callous and cruel actions, such as removing money from shared accounts or running up credit card debt.
• Projection. The abuser disavows their undesirable thoughts, emotions, or traits by projecting them onto the victim. This can include internal conflicts, insecurities, or impulsive behaviour. Through this cognitive distortion, the perpetrator externalizes their faults and maintains the narcissistic self-deception that they are perfect.
• Sabotage. The victim’s progress and goals are deliberately undermined and obstructed by the abuser, who actively chips away at their self-esteem, withholds information, and engages in character assassination of the victim behind their back with gossip, rumour-mongering, or social manipulation.

Stage 4: Hoovering/Re-engagement

The narcissistic hoovering or re-engagement stages refer to the narcissist’s attempt to reconnect and reconcile after a period of withdrawal. Hoovering can involve several tactics designed to suck the person back into the relationship. However, hoovering can be highly distressing for the victim, who may find it challenging to disengage or move on. The narcissist doesn’t care about the pain they are causing others. They may use what they developed in the idealization stage. They may revel in their ability to draw the victim back in.

Common Tactics of the Hoovering Stage

• Repeatedly reaching out, apologizing, and making promises to change if their victim comes back to the relationship
• Threatening to hurt themselves or others due to their emotional pain
• Sending expensive or thoughtful presents
• Lying or exaggerating about your behaviour to others to have those people reach out to you on their behalf
• Showing up at your work or home
• Claiming to “accidentally” text you or call you when making contact
• Feigned Remorse. The abuser may offer a disingenuous fauxpology, also known as a non-apology. It is entirely insincere and utilitarian. However, feigned remorse only goes so far that there will be countless excuses, justifications, and endless blame-shifting to avoid accountability.
• Idealization. A return to some of the behaviours the narcissist engaged in during the idealization stage.
• Jealousy-baiting. The abuser purposely attempts to provoke the victim’s feelings of jealousy. They engage in activities and make statements with the intention of eliciting envy or insecurity in the victim. The abuser can leverage the victim’s jealousy to maintain power and control over their emotions.
• Minimizing. In their hasty effort to move back into the idealization phase, the abuser’s aggression and harm to the victim are downplayed and left unresolved.
• Pity plays. The abuser seeks to evoke sympathy, compassion, or guilt in the victim by claiming that they have also been victimized and experienced hardships. By soliciting the victim’s pity, the abuser can draw them into providing emotional support, attention, and other forms of validation, jump-starting the relationship once again.

What are Some of the Effects of Narcissistic Abuse on Victims?

Narcissistic abuse can affect people in the following ways:

Low Self-Worth and Self-Esteem

Narcissistic abuse may cause low self-esteem and a reduced sense of self. Narcissistic abuse may cause feelings of worthlessness and shame and may make people lose confidence.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

The intense psychological damage of narcissistic abuse can cause PTSD or symptoms similar to PTSD. Narcissistic abuse can intensify some PTSD symptoms.

Self-Doubt and Anxiety

Narcissistic abuse such as gaslighting may make a person doubt themselves, feel confused and anxious, question their reality, and have a diminished sense of self-worth.

Isolation

Victims of narcissistic abuse may isolate themselves of lose their independence due to the trauma, fear or anxiety that resulted from the abuse.

Depression or Suicidal Thoughts

Narcissistic abuse can have highly damaging effects on mental health and may lead to anxiety, depression, or suicidal thoughts.

Physical Symptoms

The chronic stress and tension of narcissistic abuse can result in physical symptoms like headaches, body aches, and stomach pain. In some cases, narcissistic abuse can be physical and can result in injuries.

Substance Use Disorders

Victims often develop a substance use disorder during a narcissistic abusive relationship, either at the encouragement of the narcissistic partner or to deal with the distress they are feeling.

Cognitive Dissonance

Often, victims of narcissistic abuse find themselves struggling with cognitive dissonance, which is the discomfort a person feels when their behaviour doesn’t align with their values and beliefs.

Echoism

Echoism is when someone struggles to ask for anything they want or need. They don’t see themselves or their preferences as worthwhile. They have lost their identity and have a hard time expressing themselves.

Confusion

Victims may feel bewildered and unsure about the dynamics of the relationship due to the inconsistent behaviour of the abuser and the shifting dynamics within the cycle.

Emotional Turmoil

The ongoing cycle of idealization, devaluation, and discard can result in intense emotional turmoil for victims. They may experience sadness, anger, anxiety, depression, and a sense of emotional exhaustion as they navigate the abusive dynamics.

Fear

The abusive behaviour and unpredictable nature of the cycle can instill fear in victims. They may fear the abuser’s reactions, the consequences of challenging the abuse, or the potential for further harm.

How Can You Heal From Narcissistic Abuse?

The primary goal for someone recovering from narcissistic abuse is to find themselves and learn how to trust themselves again.

Set Boundaries

Boundaries are essential. Know how you expect to be treated and what the limits are before you walk away if someone has a pattern of not treating you right. Boundaries may be hard to implement because you may have experienced someone who didn’t listen to any boundaries you tried to implement. However, you deserve to have boundaries and decide what you will tolerate.

Trust Your Gut

Figure out how to trust your instincts again. Listen to your gut rather than the narratives of your narcissistic partner. This can be hard because your abuser likely did a number on you with gaslighting and other tactics designed to stop you from trusting yourself.

Reach Out to Family and Friends

Surrounding yourself with family and friends can help you heal and return to your old priorities. This is another common target of narcissistic abusers that is important to get back to.

Give Your Relationships Time

The first step is to remember that genuine relationships, whether romantic, sexual, friendly, professional or otherwise, usually start slowly. Over time, they develop from a mutual interest in each other to a stronger, more genuine connection. Be suspicious of instant love.

Maintain a Record

If you suspect someone might be manipulating you, keep a record of your communication. Write things down. Find every excuse to do stuff by text or email. This can help if the other person tries to gaslight you and present an alternative version of events.

Maintain Your Financial Independence

Keeping yourself financially independent is an important protective factor in iminimizing the damage of the betrayal when the discard stage happens. Suppose you can stay financially independent. In that case, that is one less place the narcissist can damage when he decides to move on. It will also help you have one thing you can rely on when rebuilding your life.

Conclusion

Narcissistic Abuse is a very damaging type of abuse that stems from narcissistic behaviours. It can happen in romantic relationships, friendships, families, workplaces, and other relationships. It can lead to significant harm and long-term emotional and psychological damage. There are tools you can use to minimize the damage and heal from narcissistic abuse.