Is Forgiveness Necessary for Healing

Forgiveness and healing often are grouped together, yet they are two separate but connected processes. So what is forgiveness, and how does it connect with the process of healing? How do they connect with each other?

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary process of releasing deep-seated anger, resentment, and vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it. It is an internal, emotional, and cognitive shift that promotes personal well-being, mental health, and physical health, such as lower blood pressure and reduced stress.

There are two types of forgiveness: Decisional and Emotional forgiveness.

Decisional Forgiveness

Decisional forgiveness is the letting go of the intention to retaliate, attack or punish the other person. It is the making the decision to treat the person who has hurt, harmed, or offended you differently and to release the intention for payback. This type of forgiveness usually comes first, but you may have to do this multiple times as the emotions and memories come back.

Emotional Forgiveness

Emotional forgiveness is the changing of one’s emotions towards the other person. You may experience less coldness and a little empathy; some compassion instead of bitterness, and instead of hatred or anger, a sense of peace or neutrality. This form of forgiveness usually takes more time. The strong emotions of anger resentment slowly abate. They may come back from time to time, but less often as the healing process continues.

Often a Part of Religious Healing Processes

Forgiveness is a multifaceted practice designed to foster spiritual growth and communal harmony. It can be found in Christianity, Islam, Judaism, and Hinduism.

Forgiveness Needs to Be In Context

Forgiveness needs to be in context of the act that caused the wound and the circumstances or pattern that surround that act. The process of forgiving something that is a minor one-off event will be quite different than trying for forgive someone who abused you and caused lots of damage.

Forgive and Forget is Not Always Appropriate

When there’s a pattern of mistreatment, forgive and forget is often not appropriate. Mistreatment needs to be addressed or it’s likely the harm will continue to happen.

Forgiveness When There’s Abuse

It will be hard to forgive when the person continues to harm you. After you have separated yourself from the abuse, forgiveness may come, and you heal. Forgiveness does not mean you trust the person or let them back in. It’s just that you no longer hold blame, hate, or resentment towards them.

Forgiveness Often Happens Along with Healing

Forgiveness is a process that often accompanies healing. It may happen side by side. Sometimes forgiveness happens earlier in the healing process, and other times it comes later.

For Deep Wounds, Sometimes Some Healing Needs to Happen First

Sometimes, when you have experienced something traumatic or had a relationship that really harmed your self-identity, you may need some healing before the thought of forgiveness isn’t triggering. If you can’t focus on what happened without feeling triggered or overwhelmed, you are likely not ready for the forgiveness process yet.

Forgiveness is a Powerful Tool for Healing

Forgiveness can some with a host of benefits for healing. There are a few things to remember.

Needs to Happen in its Own Time

Forgiveness needs to happen in its own time. It’s not something that happens when someone else decides its time or you decide its time. There is often a certain amount of healing or acceptance that needs to happen before forgiveness can take place. When forgiveness is pushed before its ready, it can be a frustrating process because you are fighting the emotions and grief that hasn’t been properly processed.

About Releasing the Chains Holding You Back

Forgiveness is about you and what is holding you back. Forgiveness is about changing what is the attitude in your heart about the other person. By forgiving the other person, you release yourself from the chains that they have put around you with their actions that have wounded or harmed you.

Does Not Require Reconciliation or Renewed Relationships

Especially for situations where there are patterns of action that have deeply hurt you (abuse or neglect), you do not have to let the person back into your life. Forgiveness is an action of letting go of past hurts, not becoming a victim again. As you move through the healing and forgiveness process, you may ask, “Can I trust this person again?” If the answer is no because they have not changed, then the focus is on breaking free from the chains and moving on with your life.

Does Not Have to Involve the Other Person

You can make forgiveness a private and personal journey, focused on releasing yourself from the past. You don’t even have to let the other person know that you have forgiven them.

Forgiveness is a Choice

It is your choice to forgive. No one can make that choice for you. If you are trying to forgive to please someone else, it is likely to be a difficult process because you are not ready yet so you’ll be working against the natural flow.

The Process of Forgiveness

Identify the Wound, Injury, or Hurt

Forgiveness is tied to a wound injury or harm. It can be a chronic pattern over a longer period of time or something that only happened once or a few times. It will be difficult to forgive if you don’t know what you are forgiving. This would, injury or harm can be psychological, relational, emotional, spiritual, and/or physical.

Locate the Emotional Wound that is Keeping You Stuck

What is it about what happened that is really triggering you? It may be something that was said that triggered an old childhood wound or a fear that keeps coming up. It may have been a betrayal, a comment that was insensitive and hit a core wound, or something that was stolen or harmed you.

Acknowledge that Forgiveness is a Choice, and You are Choosing to Forgive

Committing yourself to the choice of forgiving the person. You made the decision to forgive and you desire to release the past and forgive the person.

Reclaim Your Life by Grieving Your Loss

There are emotions attached to the wound or injury. You may have losses due to broken trust and other factors. Allow yourself to experience the emotions and allow them to pass through you. Consider if you have interpreted a deeper meaning or personalized what happened. For example, maybe you interpreted it as meaning that no one sees you or loves you.

If Appropriate, Empathize with the Other Person

If Appropriate, empathize with the other person’s point of view. Not all situations are appropriate for you to have empathy for the other person. For people escaping emotional or narcissistic abuse, it may not be advisable to have empathy for your abuser until enough distance and healing has happened.

When appropriate, empathy can be beneficial from trying to understand their point of view without minimizing  or downplaying the wrong that was done. Often, people attack due to a state of fear, worry, and hurt. It is more about them than it is about you.

Practicing Forgiveness

There will be times that the memories come up and old emotions resurface. That is normal. Process those emotions and reaffirm your choice to forgive that person.

Conclusion

Forgiveness is not an easy process. It often goes side-by-side with the healing process. It will be hard to experience the full healing potential without forgiveness. At times, forgiveness is able to happen earlier in the healing process. Other times, there is an amount of healing that needs to happen before forgiveness is possible. Forgiveness and healing are different processes that share some aspects but also complement and enhance each other. You limit one, you may limit the other. Forgiveness is not necessary to experience any healing, but is necessary to experience the full healing potential.