What is Emotional Neglect?

Emotional neglect is often an inner torment of not being noticed. It’s about what didn’t happen to you. It can go unnoticed. Information about emotional neglect can be very validating later in life. There are ways to heal from emotional neglect, and therapy can help that process.

What is Emotional Neglect?

Emotional Neglect is not about what happened to you but what did not happen. It is about your parents or caregivers not adequately responding to your emotional needs. This can happen from a parent having unrealistically high expectations and not listening attentively to invalidating a child’s emotional experiences to the point she/he feels self-doubt. Most of the time, it is not intentional. There are a lot of parents who do not adequately respond to their children’s emotional needs because their parents did not respond to their needs, trauma got in the way of their emotional development, or they got too busy or exhausted to be able to respond adequately to their children’s emotional needs.

In emotional neglect, children learn that their feelings are not important. With childhood emotional neglect, the Amygdala (part of the brain that has a primary role in memory processing, decision-making, and emotional responses) becomes bigger and more reactive. Emotional neglectful families often look normal, but members of the family may not receive the aspects of family that allow children to develop properly.

When you grow up experiencing emotional neglect, the foundation that your emotional experience is based on is unstable because you didn’t receive the love, acceptance, nurturing, and validation that you need to develop your emotional self properly.

Examples of Experiences of Childhood Emotional Neglect

These are some examples of experiences of emotional neglect:

• Not noticing when you are sad, anxious, hurt or angry.
• Not listening when you talk.
• Failing to ask you questions about your preferences or needs.
• Failing to give you the structure or discipline you need.
• Withholding love or affection.
• Not spending quality time with you.
• Not engaging you in conversation often.
• Disregarding your needs.
• Failing to provide emotional support in difficult situations.
• Being unavailable or absent in your life.
• Not providing praise or dismissing your accomplishments.
• Repeatedly ignoring you when you are in distress.

The Message Childhood Emotional Neglect Transmits

You can internalize certain messages from the emotional neglect you experienced; some of these are:

• It’s not worth their effort to develop you into a better human being.
• Your emotions are irrelevant, not important, and/or unwelcome.
• Your thoughts and words do not matter.
• You shouldn’t have any wants and needs.
• You are not worthy of their attention, time, and support.
• You are alone.
• You are not valuable or worthy.

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Neglect:

Some of the signs of emotional neglect include:

• Depression and anxiety
• Difficulty regulating emotion, easily becoming overwhelmed, outbursts of anger and frustration
• Insecure-avoidant or disorganized attachment patterns
• Aggression
• Low self-esteem, low self-compassion
• Apathy
• Hyperactivity; disruptive & impulsive behaviour
• Developmental delays, academic struggles, and/or poor performance
• Substance misuse and risky behaviour; suicide attempts
• Withdrawing from friends and family, anger towards parents, and negativity during parent-child interactions.
• Appearing uncaring or indifferent
• Shunning emotional closeness or intimacy; poor peer relationships and the avoidance of interaction with other children; significantly less positive social interaction
• Self-blame, shame, humiliation, feelings of worthlessness
• Less emotional knowledge; difficulty recognizing angry faces

Effects of Childhood Emotional Neglect in Adulthood:

Some of the effects and consequences of Childhood Emotional Neglect in adulthood include:

• Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), Complex PTSD, and Chronic Pain
• Emotional unavailability, numbing out, or being cut off from one’s feelings; difficulty identifying or expressing feelings; Difficulty regulating emotions
• Shunning intimacy
• Depression
• Feeling empty or hollow inside
• Poor self-discipline, low self-esteem
• Anger and aggressive behaviours towards self or others
• Difficulty trusting others or relying upon anyone else; trouble asking for help or support
• Feeling deeply, personally flawed, hiding behind a mask, disconnected from self
• Guilt and shame; easily embarrassed
• Feeling like there’s something missing, but not sure what it is
• Easily overwhelmed or discouraged; frequent feelings of worry, excessive fears, and dissatisfaction
• Perfectionism with acute sensitivity to feelings of failure
• Lack of clarity regarding others’ expectations and your own expectations for yourself
• People-pleasing, self-neglect, putting pressure on yourself, and pronounced sensitivity to rejection
• Lack of ability to empathize
• Blame, judgmental, and critical towards self or others

Please note that the effects of emotional neglect can range from mild to severe, and you might only have some of the previously noted effects and symptoms.

How a Therapist can Help You Recover from Emotional Neglect

Healing from emotional neglect can be a complex process because you are becoming aware of the effect emotional neglect has had on you, building yourself up by learning new skills, and healing the wounds of emotional neglect.

The First Steps in Healing from Emotional Neglect

• Gain awareness that what you experienced was emotional neglect and how it affected you. This awareness powers the rest of the healing process.
• It can be difficult to come to terms with emotional neglect. Acceptance is important for the healing process.
• Part of healing from emotional neglect is grieving what you lost or what you should have had.

Healing from Emotional Neglect – Building a New Future

• Self-Awareness
• Develop and Practice Self-Compassion
• Building Skills – Emotions
• Building Skills – Regulation
• Engage Your Body and Mind

Healing the Wounds of Your Inner Child

• Heal Your Inner Child
• Write a Letter to Your Childhood Self
• Building Your Self-Identity and Self-Worth

Some of the therapies that can be used to bring healing from childhood emotional neglect include:

• Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)
• EMDR
• Emotional Awareness and Expression Therapy (EAET)
• Strength-based Modalities
• Emotion-Focused Modalities

Conclusion

Childhood emotional neglect can have devastating consequences, but it doesn’t have to be a death sentence. There are ways to heal the wounds of emotional neglect and learn the skills that you never learned. You can find healing and hope.

More Emotional Neglect Information

Dr. Jonice Webb – Running on Empty

Running on Empty is a good book for describing how emotional neglect happens and what it is like. It can be a very validating book for people who have been emotionally neglected in childhood.

References

Summers, D. (2016). How to recognize and overcome childhood emotional neglect. https://westsidedbt.com/how-to-recognize-and-overcome-childhood-emotional-neglect/

Webb, J. (2012). Running on empty: Overcome your childhood emotional neglect. Morgan James Publishing.

https://www.allrelationshipmatters.com.au/insights-healthy-relationships/emotional-neglect