Emotional neglect is the absence of critical nurturing interactions. This makes it harder to pinpoint experiences of emotional neglect because these things are subtle and less observable than other types of adverse childhood experiences. There are passive and active types of emotional neglect. It’s a pattern of neglecting the emotional needs of a child.
What is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect in childhood involves the absence of critical nurturing interactions such as connection, support, and adequate responses to distress. Emotional neglect is more covert and subtle than physical, sexual, or verbal abuse. This can make it difficult for you to identify it, even in your own life.
Emotional neglect is an ongoing pattern of a caregiver failing to meet a child’s emotional needs. A parent being occasionally distracted does not meet the level of emotional neglect. It is something that happens consistently. When a parent demeans a child for their emotions or refuses to listen to a child’s feelings, it communicates to that child that their emotions are wrong and unimportant.
Emotional neglect is an adverse childhood experience and is traumatic for a child. Over time, it becomes overwhelming for their developing system, sometimes resulting in symptoms of complex trauma or complex PTSD.
There are two types of childhood emotional neglect experiences: passive and active.
Passive Childhood Emotional Neglect
Parents may be unintentionally emotionally neglecting their children. This often comes from extreme stress, mental illness and external pressures. When parents are experiencing turmoil they may have difficulty forming secure bonds with their children.
Examples of Experiences of Passive Childhood Emotional Neglect
Did your parents or caregivers do any of the following that are examples of passive childhood emotional neglect?
- Not noticing when you are sad, anxious, hurt or angry.
- Not listening when you talk.
- Failing to ask you questions about your preferences or needs.
- Failing to give you the structure or discipline you need.
- Withholding love or affection.
- Not spending quality time with you.
- Not engaging you in conversation often.
- Disregarding your needs.
- Failing to provide emotional support in difficult situations.
- Being unavailable or absent in your life.
- Not providing praise or dismissing your accomplishments.
- Repeatedly ignoring you when you are in distress.
The Message It Transmits
When your parents/caregivers engage in passive emotional neglect, you internalize certain messages. Some of these are:
- Your emotions are irrelevant, not important, and/or unwelcome.
- Your thoughts and words do not matter.
- You shouldn’t have any wants and needs.
- You are not worthy of their attention, time, and support.
- You are alone.
- You are not valuable or worthy.
- It’s not worth their effort to develop you into a better human being.
The Consequences of Passive Childhood Neglect
There are signs and consequences of passive childhood emotional neglect, and some of these are:
- You may end up blocking off your emotions and may be unaware of what you are feeling.
- You may struggle with understanding your emotions and how to deal with them in others.
- You may be unaware of your preferences and needs.
- You struggle with feeling like you are worthy of speaking up for.
- You feel less-than or less valid than other people.
- You struggle with self-care and/or self-discipline.
- You may feel empty or numb.
- You may struggle with self-identity and knowing who you are.
Active Childhood Emotional Neglect
Active childhood emotional neglect is a type of neglect that is intentional and purposeful. You may have memories of this type of emotional neglect. It involves an act of rejection, denial, or invalidation.
Examples of Experiences of Active Childhood Emotional Neglect
Did your parents/caregivers do any of the following that are examples of active childhood emotional neglect?
- Called overly sensitive or dramatic for having feelings.
- Your feelings were trumped with stronger ones of their own.
- Demeaned or punished for showing feelings they don’t like, such as anger, frustration or need.
- Shaming or punishing you for your emotions.
- Denying your emotions.
- Socially isolating you from peers or loved ones.
- Refusing to offer you affection.
- Criticizing you for your personality traits or physical appearance.
- Made you feel like you were unwanted or a burden.
- Demeaning you for their feelings.
- Purposefully ignoring you.
The Message It Transmits
When your parents/caregivers engage in active emotional neglect, you internalize certain messages. Some of these are:
- Your feelings are offensive and unacceptable to others.
- Your feelings are unreasonable and excessive. There is something wrong with you.
- Your emotions are insignificant and useless and cause trouble.
- Your emotions, which are the most personal and biological expression of you, are something to be ashamed of.
The Consequences of Active Childhood Emotional Neglect
In addition to the signs of consequences of passive childhood emotional neglect, you may experience the following:
- You may be afraid of your feelings. You try to squelch and hide them because they seem wrong.
- You end up attacking yourself when an emotion breaks through. You may call yourself weak, crazy, or over-reactive.
- You are anxious or uncomfortable with other people’s emotions.
- Shame is a daily struggle for you.
Childhood emotional neglect can be transmitted from one generation to the next without awareness. In becoming aware of your childhood emotional neglect, you have the ability to stop the pattern of transmission.
Reasons Why Parents Might Engage in Emotional Neglect
Parents and caregivers may neglect their children emotionally for the following reasons:
- They experienced childhood emotional neglect or abuse themselves, and they are not aware of the damaging effects.
- They were not taught by their caregivers how to nurture a child.
- Work, military service, or incarceration limited their presence at home.
- Their ability to attune to a child may be impeded by addiction or mental illness.
- The bonds between parent and child can be disturbed by extreme stress and/or violence.
- Overwhelming grief in the family system can pull parents/caregivers’ attention away from the child.
- Parents/caregivers may be too exhausted to notice their children’s emotions.
Conclusion
Childhood emotional neglect can do a lot of damage to your inner, emotional self. It can come through passive and active experiences. There is healing and an ability to change the pattern. Your childhood experiences are not a life sentence. You can find healing for your experiences of childhood emotional neglect.
References:
Childhood Emotional Neglect: Definition, Signs, Effects, & How to Heal. https://www.choosingtherapy.com/childhood-emotional-neglect/
The 2 Types Of Childhood Emotional Neglect: Active and Passive. https://psychcentral.com/blog/childhood-neglect/2018/09/the-2-types-of-childhood-emotional-neglect-active-and-passive
Related Information:
Related Blogs:
