Toxic Positivity and Myths about Forgiveness

Forgiveness can have significant benefits to your healing journey however there are some myths and uses of forgiveness that can get in your way. Some of these can be harmful. We’ll clarify the myths and harmful uses of forgiveness so you can access this powerful tool for your healing journey.

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is the intentional, voluntary process of releasing deep-seated anger, resentment, and vengeance toward someone who has harmed you, regardless of whether they deserve it. It is an internal, emotional, and cognitive shift that promotes personal well-being, mental health, and physical health, such as lower blood pressure and reduced stress.

The Toxic Positivity of Forgiveness Messages

Too often, forgiveness is portrayed as something easy when it’s often not. You can’t always just forgive. It is often a longer process that takes deeper work.

Forget and Forget

Forgive and forget is one of the earliest versions of toxic positivity. It presents forgiveness as a switch you can flip. However, forgiveness is not that easy and in believing phrases like this can cause you to gaslight yourself. You may feel shame and guilt over not being able to forgive and forget when that was never possible for your situation.

Forgive and forget brushes aside accountability as well as wounds to our self-image and self-worth. It ignores the danger that our brains have interpreted and doesn’t leave room for the processing needed to come to terms with what happened. Ultimately, it doesn’t leave room to learn the lessons of how to protect yourself in the future.

At the end of the day, forgive and forget can be a toxic pattern that does a lot of harm to ourselves and our relationships. When harms have been done, time is needed to understand what happened, to process the hurts, and to move forward in a healthier and nuanced way.

Forgive and forget is often used by abusers to get away with their behaviours. It can be used to shame victims into staying quiet and avoid accountability.

Forgiveness is About Where You Are At, Not Where Someone Else Thinks You Should Be

Too often people are pressured to forgive by someone else or themselves. That often does a lot of harm to the person. If they are a victim, it may intensify any shame or blame that they put on themselves. Forgiveness is a personal process that will come when an appropriate level of healing has happened, and your heart and mind are ready for it.

Forgiveness that is superficial or premature can be toxic (sometimes referred to as toxic forgiveness). It is often done without addressing the underlying hurt or allowing time to genuine healing.

This type of forgiveness doesn’t work because it bypasses the emotional work required for true reconciliation and health. It often involves suppressed feelings and ends up with prolonged resentment and bitterness. It doesn’t address the issues that led to the wound, which can erode trust in the relationship and allow deeper issues to fester.

The emotional suppression can result in emotional detachment from the relationship or chronic health issues if the suppression is a prolonged pattern.

Myth 1: Forgiveness and Reconciliation is the Same Thing

Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. You can forgive and not reconcile.

Reconciliation requires two people, forgiveness only requires one. Forgiveness opens the door to reconciliation down the road but can occur if the other person is dead, unwilling, or if reconciliation might be dangerous (i.e., past abusive relationships).

Myth 2: Forgetting is Part of Forgiveness

Forgetting is not part of forgiveness. Forgiveness is an internal process that may include forgetting when appropriate. Other times, forgetting can be unhealthy and harmful.

Myth 3: Forgiveness Means Condoning or Excusing What was Done

Forgiveness does not mean you approve of or excuse what was done. It means you are letting go of the emotional chains it has on you. You can forgive and still support the justice system doing its job and that the person is held accountable for their actions.

Myth 4: Forgiveness Needs to Involve the Other Person

Forgiveness can be completely internal. You don’t have to tell the other person you forgave them In some situations, it may be safer to avoid telling them.

Myth 5: Forgiveness Means the Pain is Going Away

Forgiveness may lower your suffering by reducing your emotional toll, but it does not mean the pain is going away. Forgiveness does not change the past. It can only release some of the chains that the past has on you.

Myth 6: Forgiveness Means a Renewal of Trust

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean a renewal of trust. Sometimes it will. Other times, you may forgive with the knowledge that the person cannot be trusted. You are releasing the hold they have on you but realise who they are and they haven’t changed their patterns of behaviour that have harmed you in the past. In this situation, you may be at peace with where you are in consideration of the other person and not feel any resentment or anger, but know that it’s for the best that you don’t have a relationship with the person.

Myth 7: Empathy is Needed as Part of the Forgiveness Process

There are times when trying to have empathy for the person who has harmed you can delay the healing process. Empathy is the ability to recognize, understand and share the emotions and perspectives of others. This may be extremely difficult if not impossible if the person was a stranger who violated you or has strong narcissistic tendencies.

When dealing with people like this, it may be better to accept them as they are and the actions they did. You don’t have to like it or approve of what they did, just accept the reality of what they did and allow yourself to move on from it.

Conclusion

Forgiveness can be a powerful process that really enhances your healing. However, keeping in mind some of the myths and misconceptions of forgiveness can help prevent you from being sidetracked in trying to use this powerful process.